Phil and I met in my backyard in August of 2010. He was golfing with a friend of mine’s husband. When we met, he told me he’d never taken more than a week’s vacation. His family confirms this sad truth.
I set about changing that. I cannot express how grateful I am that I didn’t wait for retirement to go off on our adventures. Be sure to see our Happy Memories page for photos. Our time together was brief, but we did more in the years we had together and had more fun than he’d had in all the years that came before.
There is much I am grateful for the life we shared as I struggle to come to terms with his sudden death. One of the things for which I am most grateful is that I never tried to keep him from doing what he loved. He was an avid golfer. I always encouraged him to go golfing whenever he could, which, living in North Carolina, was nearly every Sunday.
He had several special trips, two to the Firestone Country Club to play in the BMW tournament. He also loved volunteering. Right after we were married, we both spent two weeks volunteering at Pinehurst for the Men and Women’s U.S. Open. A few years later, he was volunteering at Quail Hollow Club when my mom passed away. Last summer I almost tried to talk him out of flying to California to Volunteer at Pebble Beach during the U.S. Open as we’d had so little leisure time during the past two years with Phil pursuing his Ph.D. at U of SC, I actually pulled out the marriage vows I’d written years before for guidance and remained silent about wanting to spend that time with him.
We promised to encourage one another to pursue our interests and I remained true to that. Now that I know that was his last chance, I am so grateful that he went with my blessing. I feel the same about the family reunion he attended in August that I could not attend due to work.
Phil died suddenly, after a day where he played golf with my dad in the morning, met me and his stepdaughter and probable future son-in-law for lunch, ran some errands, had a roast I fixed for dinner and scalloped potatoes prepared by Courtney (his eldest stepdaughter). His other stepdaughter, Ashley, and her fiance, Shane, as well as Courtney’s boyfriend, Topher, and my Dad, Bob were all together for dinner. We were at the beach celebrating my dad’s 85th birthday. He’d golfed four times in the week before his death, twice at Pinehurst because he was attending an MGMA conference.
By then, the Covid-19 pandemic was heating up. By the time we were able to get back to North Carolina, shutdowns were happening. His older brother was already sheltering in place due to underlying conditions and his sisters, in Connecticut and Michigan as well as an assortment of nieces and a nephew, all out of state, would have been taking unnecessary risks to travel to his funeral. Those were risks neither Phil or I would have wanted anyone to take,
At first, I thought I’d be able to have a celebration of life in a few months. But now, in May, it is obvious that it will be a long time before we are able to have any sort of service. It feels as if he is in limbo waiting for the traditions associated with death. I also feel that we may all have death fatigue (the term I’m using to describe burnout associated with too many losses coming too quickly) by the time it is safe for people to attend a celebration of life.
I’ve decided to create this memorial website and have a small family ceremony with distant guests able to attend online. I’m in the planning stages now.
This is an unusual time. I want to honor this man who honored me with his presence and love in my life this past decade. I’ll write more later.